Our Sympathy

Everything was soaked as rain flew in from every direction. Seamen, their clothing plastered wet, grasped at the ropes that blew with the wind, slicing through the storm. Sails came loose and slapped any who ventured near to tie them down again. Curses and prayers in Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, and Irish brogue mixed with the screaming of the weather. In all the commotion, no one missed the deckhand as he lost his balance on the pitching bow and was thrown to the waves. He washed up on one of Dillingham’s beaches several days later.

That is probably what happened.

In Dillingham’s oldest cemetery, there is a plain wooden cross bearing a simple epitaph: “Nineteen-year-old Sailor from Sweden.” We don’t mark graves with carved stone because there is no local craftsperson with that ability. Instead, all our graves have carved wooden crosses with the identifying information painted black, stark as gravel against the foaming edge of a wave.

One of the beautiful things about the wooden cross markers is that they are all made in the same fashion. There is no competition in a Dillingham cemetery. To visit the cemetery is to see that in death, we are all equal. Peace is the final appointment under a cross that speaks not of failures or human accomplishments but of humanity. A wooden cross says only that a life existed and judges not what sort of life it was. The wooden cross shows that the dead beneath it belonged to our community and that we still hold them despite their absence.

The crosses also speak of hope because they are a symbol of what many in our community believe is offered the soul of man. In the sadness of a death, a local resident carves a symbol that states that death is not the end and that our separation from one another can be temporary. Because we live closely, we share our beliefs, our life experiences, and our remembrance at the end.

Since the crosses are simple painted wood, they weather and would eventually become indecipherable but for periodic maintenance by residents today. The marker of the nineteen-year-old Swedish sailor has been refinished with the same regularity as the local grandparents sleeping with him. Maintaining the crosses means that the community never forgets those who depart, and this stranger we buried receives the same honor. What we knew of him, we preserve and maintain, and keep him even though he was not born to us. We resurrect his cross with all the others, and we think of him. In death, he became part of our community and is marked as a life to honor.

She watches you as you walk down the hallway; depending on what you have accomplished throughout the day, her expression may be one of disapproval or satisfaction. The dignified image you pass by is strong, displaying accurate strokes of brown and white charcoal. My mother-in-law recently passed away and her sketched portrait hangs in the hallway of the house. It favors her so well that I often find myself speaking to it.

The loss of her life was one that shook the ground we all walked on. At the time, getting back to a life filled with normalcy seemed a goal far out of our reach. Some people choose to abandon the memory of a lost loved one because of the pain it causes those to think of someone who is no longer with us, but for others, embracing the past and incorporating it within everyday life is a healthy way to cope with the dearly departed.

The Christmas season that followed my mother-in-law’s passing allowed me to give an extremely moving and memorable gift to my husband and stepson. This was to be the first Christmas they would have without the warmth and comfort of their mother and grandmother. I wanted to give them something that would speak to only them and emphasize the bond they both shared.

At the time, I was experimenting with making T-shirts by scanning items onto the computer and printed them to iron-on transfers. I purchased a few white T-shirts and decided on the perfect subject for their shirts. As they left the house to run errands, I grabbed the ladder and lifted the rather heavy portrait from the wall. Positioning myself above the portrait, I took several photos of it with a digital camera. After returning the portrait, I went to the computer and resized the photos, then printed the finished product onto the iron-on transfers.

In the middle of the night, while everyone was asleep, I snuck into the kitchen to iron the transfers onto the T-shirts. This would be my first attempt at creating a T-shirt and I was meticulous in the way I lined up the transfers, hoping I was positioning them in the correct places for menswear. Examining the end results, I noticed something quite odd. In the portrait, my mother-in-law was wearing earrings. This was not the odd part. When I took the digital photo, a reflection from the flash hitting the glass made it look as if her earrings were sparkling. This was the only place that this detail showed up in the photo and it was completely unintentional. When they opened their gifts, it was quite emotional to see the look on their faces. When I saw the tears, as well as smiles, I knew I had done well.

Commercial fishing is the most hazardous job in the world. Those working in this field face myriad dangers to life, including drowning, machinery-related accidents, and hypothermia. Commercial fishers, and the communities in which they live, are well-acquainted with death. This co-existence with the end of life prompts commercial fishing communities to adopt rituals designed to understand the water and wring mercy from the force controlling it. Some communities place statues of mariners at the harbor channel to stand as sentries guarding the coming and going of the local fleet. Some erect likenesses of the Virgin Mary cradling fishing boats in place of the infant Jesus. Superstitions abound on any open-water vessel; rules apply to avert disaster like refraining from bringing certain fruits aboard as fruit seeks the earth and will drag a vessel down with it, or a refusal to leave port on a Friday, the unluckiest day of the week. In Dillingham, we hold an annual Blessing of the Fleet to seek protection and guardianship for our local salmon fishing fleet and to honor those who have lost their lives in the dangerous way we choose to make a living.

The Blessing of the Fleet is held in May or June, late enough to make fishing the foremost thought of town residents and early enough to seek blessing before many fishers have launched their 32 foot-long Bristol Bay commercial salmon vessels. The Blessing of the Fleet ceremony is multi-denominational and includes the participation of all religious leaders in town from the Moravian Church pastor to the Catholic and Russian Orthodox priests. In this, all town residents are represented.

The first part of the Blessing of the Fleet is comprised of the singing of hymns, recitation of Bible verses are recited, and lifting of prayers for a good season and the safe return of our people. We give thanks for the life we are given and seek for it to continue amid the dangers we face through our fishing lifestyles.

The second part of the ceremony features the reading of the names belonging to those lost to the water and the ringing of a ship’s bell to commemorate each one. For some of the names on the list, this is the only remembrance as the sea does not always return the bodies she claims. During the reading of the names and ringing of the bell, all of Bristol Bay is a cemetery. Some shed tears at the loss of their loved ones and for lack of any physical place to grieve. Some listen to the reading of the names with trepidation for if a family name is not already on the list, it means the family still owes a life-debt. Most, however, listen solemnly to honor the lost.

The last part of the Blessing of the Fleet ceremony requires that a wreath be placed on the water in the name of the dead and for the hope of the living. In this action, the ceremony is closed in the attitude our community takes toward the end of life: we mourn, we accept, we seek strength, and then we simply continue to live according to our ways and traditions.

One of the most difficult tasks in life is holding a funeral or memorial service for a loved one. Unfortunately, they are inevitable. Yet, many of us never talk about how we want to be memorialized. Let’s face it: death is a difficult and emotional subject. There are so many uncertainties about it that we allow ourselves to avoid the discussion. When tragedy strikes, the experience can be so much more overwhelming, especially if the loved one is younger. Here are so helpful ideas to make the experience less stressful and more healing.

If you feel up to it, take full charge of the event yourself. Many families who do this, report that this choice is very healing. If you feel too overwhelmed enlist the help of some close friends. This will help them in their grieving process as well. Allow family members and friends to use their talents.

Many services with which I have been involved have been celebrations of life. Friends and families share their stories and memories to the group. These words will fill the hearts of the attendees and remain with them much more than the words of an unfamiliar minister or funeral official. Humorous stories almost always find their way into the service. This is how we want to remember those who we love. We want to feel joy and happiness about their lives. We want to hear how they touched the lives of others. There is something comforting about hearing an entertaining anecdote and being able to chuckle, “That’s Uncle Ted.” Sure, we’re sad. We will miss their presence in our lives, but creating these memories allows us to feel their presence in our lives always.

Create a collage. Find posters, movies, ticket stubs, photographs, artwork, anything and everything personal to your loved one. Many families find it healing to get the whole family together and put together a photo album. Other families use computer software and create photo or video shows. These can even be easily transferred to DVD or video tape and shared with others. Or they can be put up onto personal web pages. A couple of popular places to memorialize loved ones are AOL and Myspace.com.

Along with a collage, families often find it comforting to share personal artwork or writing. You can even create a soundtrack of your loved one’s life. Finding one’s favorite music and putting together a personal album can get very involved. This, again, offers an opportunity for people to use their creativity. All of these things can be easily reproduced and distributed.

A lot of people are going to offer you their help. They want to do their part in helping memorialize someone who has touched their lives. A gift you can give those people is set up a memorial fund or scholarship. Donate it to a cause that was meaningful to your loved one. There are many organizations that serve the community through donations. This is a great way to allow the spirit of your loved one to live on and touch more lives. It doesn’t place a great burden on any one individual, and it becomes a big gift.

Another type of project with which I have personally been involved is a service project. Maybe your loved one was an animal lover. You can get a group to volunteer with a local animal shelter or zoo. Hospitals, shelters, missions, blood banks, and many other organizations thrive on the voluntary support of community members.

A few final notes: you are under no obligation to hold services immediately after your loss. Many people report that they feel like they have to rush right into funeral services. This is not true. The memorial service is for you and your friends. You are going to feel such an array of emotions. Some days will be better than others. Let the activities leading up to the actual service be an opportunity to experience some healing. Also, make the service meaningful for you. Any old minister or funeral director can go through the pomp and circumstance of a funeral service. Only those truly closest to you and your family can make it a meaningful experience.

My father is not a mortician, a cemetery attendant, nor a gravedigger by trade, but he has prepared the resting places of friends and family nonetheless. It is the way of men in rural Alaskan communities where there is no funeral industry, and where volunteers complete the preparations for a funeral.

The first step in rural Alaska’s gravedigging is to find a location. There aren’t really any family plots in Dillingham, our small community in southwestern Alaska. We group graves by family when we can, but often there isn’t room in our tiny old cemeteries. Since there is no funeral director to plan the whole thing, graves are not dug in neat rows. Instead, Dillingham’s cemeteries feature graves that are diagonal to each other, cradled in the roots of ancient trees, or stepping down a hill slope to the beach. When someone passes on, men step up to dig the grave in whatever location the family of the deceased has selected. On the day a gravedigging begins, there may be five to ten battered pick-up trucks parked alongside the gravel roads leading to our cemeteries.

Gravedigging takes a team. A backhoe is used if the men can get it to the gravesite without disturbing the rest of any cemetery residents, but often the work is done with shovels and buckets. The grave is measured out, and then the men start digging. Because the work is physically difficult, the diggers take turns in the hole, digging until they tire or until the mosquitoes become more than they can bear. Then, they exchange places with a man above and take their break drinking coffee and discussing commercial fishing, the lifeblood of the region. In the winter, the ground must be painstakingly chipped away as southwestern Alaska’s clawing winds tear at clothing and exposed skin, making the grave the best place to be.

Three years ago, my father helped dig the grave for his closest brother. Rather than being a task too emotionally hard for him, my father took comfort in the opportunity to go before his younger brother and ensure that the final resting place would not be a home built by strangers, but by familiar hands and soaked with the voices of family. No one is left completely alone in the grave.

Because ours is a community of fishermen accustomed to a physical lifestyle, the work it takes to dig a grave for a close friend or loved one mediates distance from death. Gravedigging allows motion, the most obvious sign of life, to meet death and creates a moment where physical labor, the regular routine of our lives, touches death and colors it with normalcy. There is no clearer expression that death is a part of life than men who lend their backs and garden shovels to prepare a place of rest.

Alaska’s state nickname is “The Last Frontier.” Covering nearly 587,000 square miles and possessing nearly forty percent of the coastline in the United States, the state has a wide variety of geographic features including mountains, forests, seas, lakes, rivers, and tundra flats. Many Alaskans take advantage of the state’s geography as part of their lifestyles and engage in adventurous living professionally or as leisure activities and find that the outdoor experiences Alaska offers enrich life and create memories. Unfortunately, Alaska’s environment is harsh, and people die pursuing outdoor activities.

One sad aspect of an outdoor death is that sometimes a body is never recovered. Cold water doesn’t always release the dead, and a deep ravine may hide the victim of a fall. If recovering remains presents too great a risk, rescuers may choose not to endanger additional life. Since viewing the body of a loved one is often an important step in the grieving process, it is sometimes hard for bereaved friends and family members to accept the reality of death when the body of a missing person is never recovered.

Sometimes, the remains of a victim are not suitable for an open casket viewing. The manner of an outdoor death can be extremely violent in nature, causing injury beyond what is appropriate for mourners to view. It is possible for the bereaved to experience the same difficulty in moving past the denial stage of grief since they, like those suffering a loved one who never returns, do not see a body-absolute proof that death has occurred.

In a situation where those who grieve cannot view the body of their loved ones, sometimes they use items to represent the form of their loved one. These substitutions can bring great comfort to mourners.

In choosing items to represent the deceased, Alaskans often make choices that speak to the experiences that make up life in The Last Frontier. Hunting and fishing are common activities for a victim of an outdoor death, so pictures of memorable successes or favorite outdoor clothing are logical choices. Living in the biggest state in the union also means that Alaskans often own boats, snowmobiles, airplanes and other unique modes of transportation, so small pieces of these vehicles sometimes represent a deceased pilot, fisherman, or winter traveler.

Alaska is also the home state of many talented artists and craftspeople, so works of art may stand in for human remains. Beaded angels, stained glass likenesses of scenery, or woven grass baskets are all choices to represent a creative and adventurous personality. Sometimes, a family will commission or purchase a work of art for their home so that their loved one will remain part of their daily lives.

Sometimes, a life in The Last Frontier ends as a symbol.

When a loved one who was a member of the United States military forces dies, the family will sometimes wish to arrange a burial with military honors. There are one hundred national cemeteries in the United States. However, not every state has a national cemetery. The main and most well-known military cemetery is Arlington National Cemetery which is located in Washington, D.C. and administered by the Army.

The following are eligible for Military Funeral Honors:

• Members of the military who were on active duty or a member of the Selected Reserve at the time of death.
• Former members of the United States Military who were on active duty and left the Service under any conditions other than a dishonorable discharge.
• Former members of the US Military who completed at least one term of active duty or period of Selected Reserve duty obligation and left under conditions other than dishonorable.
• Former members of the Selected Reserve who were discharged due to disability incurred in the line of duty or a disability which was aggravated in the line of duty.

As of September 11, 2001, the VA (Department of Veterans Affairs) will provide a headstone or grave marker at no charge for the grave of any deceased veteran considered eligible - regardless of anywhere in the world the cemetery is located. The officials at veterans’ cemeteries will order such inscriptions as requested by the next of kin of the deceased.

Current law requires that any eligible veteran may be buried with Military Funeral Honors when requested by the family. An honor guard will be provided with a minimum of two members of the Armed Forces. One member of the honor guard will be from the branch of the military in which the deceased veteran served.

A United States flag will be provided at no cost by the VA to the family of the deceased. The flag is used to drape the coffin of a veteran who is eligible for Military Funeral Honors. The basic aspects of the ceremony include folding of the flag, presentation of the flag to the next of kin, usually by a military chaplain. The funeral ceremony is customarily ended by the playing of Taps either by a bugler or by electronic recording - since nowadays, buglers are rarely available.

The custom of playing Taps began in the United States in 1862 during the Civil War. It was written by Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield to replace the earlier “Tattoo” (lights out) which the General thought was inappropriate for a military funeral.

Draping the casket with the national flag is a custom which began during the Napoleonic Wars (1796-1815). At that time, dead soldiers were covered with a flag and removed from the field of battle on a caisson (two wheeled vehicle used to hold artillery ammunition attached to a horse-drawn wagon). A United States flag is not placed in the grave and is not allowed to touch the ground at any time.

Jewish law and tradition have specific requirements for funeral and mourning practices and attach great religious significance to this rite. As soon as a loved one dies, a family member should contact a Rabbi who will assist in the funeral and burial arrangements. Preplanning is highly recommended so that arrangements for a funeral plot have already been made.

Jewish tradition states that the human body is holy, even after death, and retains its sanctity. Consequently, the body should be treated with respect and dignity. Funerals are arranged as simply as possible since the deceased must be buried within twenty-four hours. The only exceptions allowed are if a close family member lives far enough away so that he or she cannot arrive within the proscribed time, if there are legal reasons to delay burial or to avoid burial on Shabbat or other Jewish holy days.

There is no need to spend time shopping for an appropriate casket as the deceased must be buried in a simple pine coffin. The reason for this is so that the body is allowed to return to the earth thru a natural process. Any show of ostentation must be avoided. Dress and deportment of the mourners should reflect the solemness of the occasion.

Flowers and music are considered inappropriate. If family or friends wish to make a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased, this is an acceptable practice. Traditionally, after the funeral, mourners gather at the home of a close family member where food and drink is made available to visitors.

From the moment of death, the deceased is not left alone until after burial. Jewish tradition requires that someone close to the deceased remain with the body until that time. This individual will recite Psalms during the watch. This custom is used to honor the dead.

Jewish tradition does not routinely allow autopsies. If an autopsy is recommended, the family can refuse to grant permission. If required by law, a Rabbi must attend and supervise. Embalming of the body is strictly forbidden unless required by civil law. Cosmetics are not to be used on the deceased.

Organ donation is permissible as it is considered an act of charity. The Rabbi should be consulted in this regard.

Jewish funeral services are traditionally simple and brief and may be held in any one of three locations: at the synagogue, at the funeral home or at the gravesite. Family and friends of the deceased follow the casket as a sign of respect as it is being carried to the gravesite. Family members and close friends drop a handful of earth on the coffin after it is placed in the ground.

After the funeral, the customary period of mourning is called sitting shivah. This tradition is usually followed for a period of seven days. Close relatives of the deceased observe this time of morning in the home of a family member. Visits of respect are paid to the family during this time. Flowers are not given but food is customarily brought so that the family does not have to be concerned with cooking. This period of time allows the family to be removed from daily activities and work thru their grief and loss of their loved one.