Our Sympathy

What can you do to best support a friend or family member who is dealing with a loss? The first response is the obvious: a card, some flowers, some meals… These are welcomed expressions of your concern and sympathy. They are thoughtful and, well, expected as traditional means of outreach to those in grief.

But, you say, I want to do “more.” I see a person hurting. I know that if I were going through the same thing, I would want… Now, fill in the blank.

The grieving process involves many stages that must be understood and taken into consideration in order to provide the most loving and healthy support. Depending on the specific situation and personality of the person suffering the loss, your support should vary greatly and might yield very different responses.

For instance, Helen has just lost her husband of thirty years. She is one of your best friends. You want to be there for her (and you should). However, your presence reminds her of all of the parties and double dates and family memories she experienced with her husband and your family. Give her grace if it exacerbates her sadness to be with you if your presence brings up these painful memories. There will be a day when she will need to reminisce with you. You can still offer regular, non-invasive, casual visits and phone calls to give her the opportunity to cry or talk or pray with you.

A woman from our church, Sally, lost one of her twin boys in a car accident. I had just given birth to twins, and was worried about bringing them to the calling hours. I was afraid it would be too painful for her to see my beautiful, thriving twin babies. On the contrary, she tearfully (and joyfully) shared stories about raising the boys. She pulled out pictures and cathartically relived their childhood. Later that week, the surviving twin told me how wonderful it was for his mother to see and hold the babies.

Since our intentions are well-meaning, and we want to “be there” for our loved ones who are hurting, how can we best support them?

• Be available
• Be flexible.
• Be persistent.
• Don’t take a negative reaction personally.

Offer your support again and again. If our loved ones need us, they will receive us. If our presence causes pain, we must be sensitive to this and wait. Remember that the five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first four stages are wrought with unpleasant emotions that may seem very unhealthy even though this is a healthy, normal and necessary process.

Remember that this sympathy you are offering is for them, not for you. Welcome the chance to make them feel good (being a shoulder to cry on, being a prayer partner, hugging and helping). But, also welcome the negative reactions as a sign that your friend is going through the necessary healing process. Grief does not last forever, and you will have truly been a friend to have been there through the good and the bad.

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