Our Sympathy

One of the most difficult tasks in life is holding a funeral or memorial service for a loved one. Unfortunately, they are inevitable. Yet, many of us never talk about how we want to be memorialized. Let’s face it: death is a difficult and emotional subject. There are so many uncertainties about it that we allow ourselves to avoid the discussion. When tragedy strikes, the experience can be so much more overwhelming, especially if the loved one is younger. Here are so helpful ideas to make the experience less stressful and more healing.

If you feel up to it, take full charge of the event yourself. Many families who do this, report that this choice is very healing. If you feel too overwhelmed enlist the help of some close friends. This will help them in their grieving process as well. Allow family members and friends to use their talents.

Many services with which I have been involved have been celebrations of life. Friends and families share their stories and memories to the group. These words will fill the hearts of the attendees and remain with them much more than the words of an unfamiliar minister or funeral official. Humorous stories almost always find their way into the service. This is how we want to remember those who we love. We want to feel joy and happiness about their lives. We want to hear how they touched the lives of others. There is something comforting about hearing an entertaining anecdote and being able to chuckle, “That’s Uncle Ted.” Sure, we’re sad. We will miss their presence in our lives, but creating these memories allows us to feel their presence in our lives always.

Create a collage. Find posters, movies, ticket stubs, photographs, artwork, anything and everything personal to your loved one. Many families find it healing to get the whole family together and put together a photo album. Other families use computer software and create photo or video shows. These can even be easily transferred to DVD or video tape and shared with others. Or they can be put up onto personal web pages. A couple of popular places to memorialize loved ones are AOL and Myspace.com.

Along with a collage, families often find it comforting to share personal artwork or writing. You can even create a soundtrack of your loved one’s life. Finding one’s favorite music and putting together a personal album can get very involved. This, again, offers an opportunity for people to use their creativity. All of these things can be easily reproduced and distributed.

A lot of people are going to offer you their help. They want to do their part in helping memorialize someone who has touched their lives. A gift you can give those people is set up a memorial fund or scholarship. Donate it to a cause that was meaningful to your loved one. There are many organizations that serve the community through donations. This is a great way to allow the spirit of your loved one to live on and touch more lives. It doesn’t place a great burden on any one individual, and it becomes a big gift.

Another type of project with which I have personally been involved is a service project. Maybe your loved one was an animal lover. You can get a group to volunteer with a local animal shelter or zoo. Hospitals, shelters, missions, blood banks, and many other organizations thrive on the voluntary support of community members.

A few final notes: you are under no obligation to hold services immediately after your loss. Many people report that they feel like they have to rush right into funeral services. This is not true. The memorial service is for you and your friends. You are going to feel such an array of emotions. Some days will be better than others. Let the activities leading up to the actual service be an opportunity to experience some healing. Also, make the service meaningful for you. Any old minister or funeral director can go through the pomp and circumstance of a funeral service. Only those truly closest to you and your family can make it a meaningful experience.

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