Our Sympathy

According to most research we all know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. It can be one of the most awkward situations in which both the grieving and the friend of the grieving find themselves. Of course I’m referring to talking about it. Nearly all of us have found ourselves standing beside someone, wanting to say something, anything. Just what do you say? The answer really is dependent upon your relationship with the grieving individual.

If you are truly a friend, then it should be easy to know what to say. You would hope, right? Well, that isn’t always the case. My sister died in 1999. Her death was the result of a hit and run automobile collision. The collision happened the evening before my university graduation. This was also Mother’s Day weekend.

Obviously this event was quite a blow to our family. There were many people who were extremely warm and consoling. They truly ministered to our family’s emotional and physical needs. The phone rang off the hook. The community really came forward to let us know that they cared.

Despite their concern, some were extremely insensitive. Many simply made the mistake that their beliefs about life and death, god or salvation, took precedent over our emotional needs. I’ll never forget all of the phone calls I received from friends, or the conversations I had face-to-face where almost the first thing I was asked was, “Jeremy, did she know the Lord?” Now, I know that they were truly concerned, but this was not helpful. Whether she knew the Lord or not is not exactly comforting. If I knew the answer was yes, then they could be comforted. If the answer was no, then there was nothing they could do about it. This just left me hurting, and feeling like they weren’t really concerned with how I was doing.

One of the most common mistakes people make in situations of grief is they assume that others are going to deal with the circumstances as they believe they would. Another example I have is from a similar situation. A young woman attending the local community college drove her car off of a country road and into a telephone pole. No one knew what truly had happened. At the funeral, the father of the young girl was extremely upset. His daughter was 19 years old. He told me in confidence that if another person came up to him and told him that his daughter was in a better place he might lose it and punch them out. I listened to him. I assured him that he was perfectly correct to believe that anyone who told him that was wrong. A nineteen-year old daughter belongs with her family. A family who has been robbed of a future that they envisioned with their daughter does not deserve to be robbed of their beliefs as well.

Sensitivity dictates that a person trying to console another who is grieving should not so much as talk but listen. Or if one is inclined to speak, share memories of the deceased. Tell stories of personal interactions to which they were not privy. Listen to them. Ask them how they feel. Don’t tell them how to feel. Usually, our efforts to help don’t.

When the time of the loss is close to the time of your interaction, it’s actually more comforting to simply offer condolences. Tell them you’re sorry. Offer them help. If you’re not sure what to do, talk with someone who is closer to the family.

If the time of the loss is much further from your interaction, ask them how they’re dealing with things. Usually, just offering opportunities to talk about it is the most helpful thing you can do. Grief can be a very confusing, depressing, frustrating, and overwhelming experience. It will hit each of us differently. The most helpful thing we can do for one another is be supportive. Life goes on, but it can be hard for the grieving to move in that direction. Call them. Visit them often. Get them out. Help them find ways to express their feelings, but also diver their attention to the world around them. With your patience, compassion, and understanding, they will find peace.

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