Our Sympathy

Life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes. It feels like bad things happen to good people, and we get in the habit of believing that we don’t deserve the blessings we desire in our hearts. No matter what the loss, we always feel like it was too soon. We have so many things we wanted to do, we looked forward to experiencing. Our hopes are crushed. Imagine now your hopes were for a child, a new life that you desired to nurture and raise. You were all prepared. You had all the toys, the changing tables, the bedding, and most of all the willingness to endure nine exhausting months, labor, and a lifetime of responsibility. It is this willingness that makes women my heroes.

Good news, you’re pregnant. Congratulations! Your heart is filled with joy beyond expression. You begin to plan: baby names, spreading the word, buying clothes. The excitement is so exhilarating. Then, just weeks into the pregnancy there is a problem. You have had a miscarriage.

Maybe this experience is all too familiar. Maybe it is your story, or that of a loved one. The reality is that it happens. For some, it happens more than once. You’re filled with so many questions. Why would God put such a great desire within me for a child if it wasn’t meant to be? It is so unfair. Why is it so hard for me to have a child and so easy for so many people who don’t even appear to want children? It hurts to see this.

You begin to think, “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?” It is almost too emotional to talk about. No matter how sympathetic your significant other tries to be it just doesn’t take away the pain. So many of your girlfriends have become pregnant or had babies. They’ve shared with you all their joyous moments of feeling the baby move. They’ve talked about how much they love it. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, creep into your mind.

You begin to project these negative feelings about yourself towards others. Tension arises, especially between you and your husband. You worry about him blaming you, worry that he’ll leave you for someone who can bear his children.

Experiencing a loss of this type can be one of the greatest tests of a relationship. There are so many positive things in your life. It is easy to allow the stress and sadness to become overwhelming and to direct your attention towards the negative things. Know that you are not alone. If you have a hard time believing that, talk to your obstetrician. Understand that a pregnancy is a very overwhelming thing for both a father and mother. Husbands too are under a great deal of pressure. They can often feel left out because they don’t know what’s going on with you and the baby. They are so powerless. They pressure themselves with the worries of caring for and providing for you and the child.

Talk about how you are feeling. Express your disappointment and sadness. Encourage one another. Focus on enjoying life together. Let this be an opportunity to grow in your faith in one another and your ability to communicate. There are things in life we will not be able to control. We must constantly learn to let go of those things and to focus on where we do have control. Take care of you.

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