Our Sympathy

For those who believe in burial as opposed to cremation, they feel that this ritual demonstrates respect for the human body. They also believe that the body should be allowed to decay by a normal process instead of the hastening which occurs during cremation.

It is also believed that since we are no longer allowed to burn leaves which pollute our environment with fossil fuels, that the burning of bodies releases a number of pollutants into our atmosphere. These include carbon dioxide, nitrogen oxide, sulfur dioxide and hydrogen chloride.

Some cultures have wakes for the departed whereby family and friends come together to pay their last respects. Traditional Irish wakes are occasions for food, drink and music where grief for the passing of the deceased is mixed with a hearty send-off to the next world.

The ritual of burial is an opportunity for family and friends to say a last goodbye to their loved one. After the funeral, they will then often gather at the home of a family member where food and drink is served. This provides a further opportunity for the sharing of grief and mutual consolation of the bereaved.

Having a place to go to visit the departed provides solace to many loved ones. A burial site provides a tangible link to the deceased. Some cultures have a specific day when the families go to the grave sites, picnic and clean the family burial plot.

In Mexico, the Day of the Dead is a national holiday celebrated on November 1 and 2. Family reunions are held in cemeteries while coats of paint and structural repairs are made to grave sites. Fresh flowers, candles, candy, food and drink are put on the graves as gifts to the deceased where a party atmosphere prevails. Some families even hire mariachi bands.

The practice of cremation dates back to the Pre-Canaanites who used it until about 2,500 BC. It was not practiced by the Egyptians, Jews, Phoenicians or Carthaginians. The Greeks and Romans based their practices according to the way they viewed the after life. Those who believed in a life after death buried their dead with food, pets and even servants to smooth the transition from one form of existence to another. Others who believed that the body decays practiced cremation so that the deceased would have a speedy trip to the afterlife.

At this time, cremation is not allowed by the Orthodox Jews, the Islamic religion, Eastern Orthodox religion and some Fundamental Christian sects.

What cremation is: the body of the deceased is reduced to fragments of bone thru temperatures ranging from 1,500 F to 2,000 F degrees. The actual cremation process takes from two to three hours with the time depending upon the weight of the individual.

There are various services that specialize in scattering the ashes of the deceased. One of these services will scatter the remains amidst a special fireworks display. If the family wishes to engage a luxury Coast Guard certified yacht and Captain that will allow up to 6 loved ones, the fees are FROM $3,500 to scatter the ashes at sea.

Another service will scatter the ashes in the High Sierras. Their fee includes all documentation of the ritual, pictures of the remains and filing all necessary local governmental forms for the sum of $225.00.

In summation, cremation vs. burial is based upon culture as well as upon the attitudes of the individuals responsible for making the final decision for interring their loved one if no specific instructions were provided in a Will.

When a loved one who was a member of the United States military forces dies, the family will sometimes wish to arrange a burial with military honors. There are one hundred national cemeteries in the United States. However, not every state has a national cemetery. The main and most well-known military cemetery is Arlington National Cemetery which is located in Washington, D.C. and administered by the Army.

The following are eligible for Military Funeral Honors:

• Members of the military who were on active duty or a member of the Selected Reserve at the time of death.
• Former members of the United States Military who were on active duty and left the Service under any conditions other than a dishonorable discharge.
• Former members of the US Military who completed at least one term of active duty or period of Selected Reserve duty obligation and left under conditions other than dishonorable.
• Former members of the Selected Reserve who were discharged due to disability incurred in the line of duty or a disability which was aggravated in the line of duty.

As of September 11, 2001, the VA (Department of Veterans Affairs) will provide a headstone or grave marker at no charge for the grave of any deceased veteran considered eligible - regardless of anywhere in the world the cemetery is located. The officials at veterans’ cemeteries will order such inscriptions as requested by the next of kin of the deceased.

Current law requires that any eligible veteran may be buried with Military Funeral Honors when requested by the family. An honor guard will be provided with a minimum of two members of the Armed Forces. One member of the honor guard will be from the branch of the military in which the deceased veteran served.

A United States flag will be provided at no cost by the VA to the family of the deceased. The flag is used to drape the coffin of a veteran who is eligible for Military Funeral Honors. The basic aspects of the ceremony include folding of the flag, presentation of the flag to the next of kin, usually by a military chaplain. The funeral ceremony is customarily ended by the playing of Taps either by a bugler or by electronic recording - since nowadays, buglers are rarely available.

The custom of playing Taps began in the United States in 1862 during the Civil War. It was written by Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield to replace the earlier “Tattoo” (lights out) which the General thought was inappropriate for a military funeral.

Draping the casket with the national flag is a custom which began during the Napoleonic Wars (1796-1815). At that time, dead soldiers were covered with a flag and removed from the field of battle on a caisson (two wheeled vehicle used to hold artillery ammunition attached to a horse-drawn wagon). A United States flag is not placed in the grave and is not allowed to touch the ground at any time.

Jewish law and tradition have specific requirements for funeral and mourning practices and attach great religious significance to this rite. As soon as a loved one dies, a family member should contact a Rabbi who will assist in the funeral and burial arrangements. Preplanning is highly recommended so that arrangements for a funeral plot have already been made.

Jewish tradition states that the human body is holy, even after death, and retains its sanctity. Consequently, the body should be treated with respect and dignity. Funerals are arranged as simply as possible since the deceased must be buried within twenty-four hours. The only exceptions allowed are if a close family member lives far enough away so that he or she cannot arrive within the proscribed time, if there are legal reasons to delay burial or to avoid burial on Shabbat or other Jewish holy days.

There is no need to spend time shopping for an appropriate casket as the deceased must be buried in a simple pine coffin. The reason for this is so that the body is allowed to return to the earth thru a natural process. Any show of ostentation must be avoided. Dress and deportment of the mourners should reflect the solemness of the occasion.

Flowers and music are considered inappropriate. If family or friends wish to make a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased, this is an acceptable practice. Traditionally, after the funeral, mourners gather at the home of a close family member where food and drink is made available to visitors.

From the moment of death, the deceased is not left alone until after burial. Jewish tradition requires that someone close to the deceased remain with the body until that time. This individual will recite Psalms during the watch. This custom is used to honor the dead.

Jewish tradition does not routinely allow autopsies. If an autopsy is recommended, the family can refuse to grant permission. If required by law, a Rabbi must attend and supervise. Embalming of the body is strictly forbidden unless required by civil law. Cosmetics are not to be used on the deceased.

Organ donation is permissible as it is considered an act of charity. The Rabbi should be consulted in this regard.

Jewish funeral services are traditionally simple and brief and may be held in any one of three locations: at the synagogue, at the funeral home or at the gravesite. Family and friends of the deceased follow the casket as a sign of respect as it is being carried to the gravesite. Family members and close friends drop a handful of earth on the coffin after it is placed in the ground.

After the funeral, the customary period of mourning is called sitting shivah. This tradition is usually followed for a period of seven days. Close relatives of the deceased observe this time of morning in the home of a family member. Visits of respect are paid to the family during this time. Flowers are not given but food is customarily brought so that the family does not have to be concerned with cooking. This period of time allows the family to be removed from daily activities and work thru their grief and loss of their loved one.

Everyone knows they are going to die sooner or later. While we all hope it is “later”, we should put our affairs in order for the benefit of our loved ones. Great comfort can be achieved by knowing that advance planning for the inevitable will have eased the trauma of your passing for your family.

All too often, when a family member dies, relatives have no idea where the deceased’s important papers are located. As a result, this creates an additional burden on the grieving loved ones. By putting our affairs in order, we can simplify the necessary responsibilities our family members will be required to handle.

The most important considerations to be addressed for this time are as follows:

• Create a will: Conference with your attorney to draft a list of your final wishes, i.e. burial preferences, asset allocations, etc.
• Create a living will: This instrument will appoint someone of your choice to make decisions regarding life-sustaining medical care in the event of your incapacitation.
• Durable power of attorney: This is given by you to a person of your choice to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are unable to communicate.

Recently, there was a case where a woman had been in a coma for twenty years. She was, of course, unable to communicate. Her husband wanted her to be removed from life support; her parents disagreed and this battle went to the courts. The United States Government even got into the fray. Eventually, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the husband and the woman was allowed to die. This case brought to the general public the importance of having a living will and power of attorney stating your wishes when you are unable to do so.

• Finances: Debts: This information should be located in a place known to your beneficiaries. List whatever debts your spouse or estate may be responsible for after your death such as property tax, liens, etc.
• Finances: Assets: List all assets for your beneficiaries, such as:

- Life insurance policy or policies
- Pensions
- Ira, Keogh, etc.
- Social Security benefits
- Medical insurance coverage
- Veterans benefits
- Checking and bank accounts
- Certificates of Deposit
- Stocks and bonds
- Real estate holdings
- Miscellaneous investments

Be sure to list any and all assets not covered by the above - including documented personal loans to friends or business associates.

• Applicable personal documents:

- Birth certificate
- Passport
- Social Security information
- Divorce decree
- Military discharge papers
- Naturalization papers
- Adoption papers
- Income tax retFuneral Options for past seven years

• Miscellaneous insurance coverage documents:

- Automobile
- Property
- Accident
- Hospitalization

Information should also be available regarding friends, business associates, organization memberships, financial planner, insurance agents and attorney or attorneys.

• Credit cards:

- Account numbers
- Contact information

Your loved ones should be advised of the location of these documents so they can be readily accessed after your death.

Life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes. It feels like bad things happen to good people, and we get in the habit of believing that we don’t deserve the blessings we desire in our hearts. No matter what the loss, we always feel like it was too soon. We have so many things we wanted to do, we looked forward to experiencing. Our hopes are crushed. Imagine now your hopes were for a child, a new life that you desired to nurture and raise. You were all prepared. You had all the toys, the changing tables, the bedding, and most of all the willingness to endure nine exhausting months, labor, and a lifetime of responsibility. It is this willingness that makes women my heroes.

Good news, you’re pregnant. Congratulations! Your heart is filled with joy beyond expression. You begin to plan: baby names, spreading the word, buying clothes. The excitement is so exhilarating. Then, just weeks into the pregnancy there is a problem. You have had a miscarriage.

Maybe this experience is all too familiar. Maybe it is your story, or that of a loved one. The reality is that it happens. For some, it happens more than once. You’re filled with so many questions. Why would God put such a great desire within me for a child if it wasn’t meant to be? It is so unfair. Why is it so hard for me to have a child and so easy for so many people who don’t even appear to want children? It hurts to see this.

You begin to think, “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?” It is almost too emotional to talk about. No matter how sympathetic your significant other tries to be it just doesn’t take away the pain. So many of your girlfriends have become pregnant or had babies. They’ve shared with you all their joyous moments of feeling the baby move. They’ve talked about how much they love it. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, creep into your mind.

You begin to project these negative feelings about yourself towards others. Tension arises, especially between you and your husband. You worry about him blaming you, worry that he’ll leave you for someone who can bear his children.

Experiencing a loss of this type can be one of the greatest tests of a relationship. There are so many positive things in your life. It is easy to allow the stress and sadness to become overwhelming and to direct your attention towards the negative things. Know that you are not alone. If you have a hard time believing that, talk to your obstetrician. Understand that a pregnancy is a very overwhelming thing for both a father and mother. Husbands too are under a great deal of pressure. They can often feel left out because they don’t know what’s going on with you and the baby. They are so powerless. They pressure themselves with the worries of caring for and providing for you and the child.

Talk about how you are feeling. Express your disappointment and sadness. Encourage one another. Focus on enjoying life together. Let this be an opportunity to grow in your faith in one another and your ability to communicate. There are things in life we will not be able to control. We must constantly learn to let go of those things and to focus on where we do have control. Take care of you.

When people think of a disaster worker, they usually think of a brave firefighter like one of the many who ushered people in the World Trade Center to safety during 9-11.  But there are many examples of survival workers, and one not-so-obvious example is a funeral director. 

The Definition

A ‘disaster’ is defined as “a calamity; a great or sudden misfortune.” The United States government qualifies something as a disaster when it is a catastrophic accident in which more than four people are killed. But the most important factor is how society reacts to the event.  A true disaster gets a response from the whole community.  Not only that, disastrous events require assistance from other social units outside the one directly involved. 

Disaster Jobs for a Funeral Director

Because funeral directors know so much about the care of the dead already, they can help out in a multi-death disaster in an important capacity.  Assigned tasks by the coroner, funeral directors and other professionals such as policemen, firemen, paramedics, and members of the National Guard can work on the rescue team together. 

Search and Recovery

The dead human remains must be found as soon as possible.  If the disaster was a flood or plane crash over a body of water, the bodies that are in the water must be recovered immediately before they decompose.

Identification

The person in charge of identification must preserve all the evidence surrounding the remains.  Identity of a corpse can be found by looking at fingerprints.  Medical professionals are sometimes needed.

In Charge of Personal Effects

The importance of keeping track of personal effects cannot be underestimated, because personal effects found on a body can lead to the body’s identification. 

Transport

A funeral director, or other rescue individual, can be given the job of transporting recovered bodies to the morgue site.  They should be carried to the transportation vehicle by a stretcher, with the body covered by a sheet.  It should be done discreetly.  The vehicle should be driven to the morgue site at a moderate pace.

Help to Set Up a Morgue

A temporary morgue is needed to accommodate many dead bodies.  Airline hangers and schools are often good for such a morgue. 

If ordered by the coroner, the funeral director will embalm the body, and afterward the identified bodies could be released to the funeral home of their family’s choice, or if unidentified, the bodies could be buried. 

Care for the Living

Jobs involving a disaster do not only pertain to the recovery and disposition of the dead, but to giving support to the survivors and the families of the victims.  They can be assisted by being given food, telephone access, information, counseling, and most of all, privacy from the media and curiosity seekers.  A whole center can be created for this purpose. 
 

Disasters can bring out the good in people, and people usually help each other.  Ironically, Winston Churchill described the time that England was bombed during World War II as “England’s finest hour.” After a disaster strikes, neighborhoods can be in total chaos, but with the help of a highly organized, cooperative rescue team, the community can begin the road to recovery.

By Ann Rowe

I was sixteen, and I didn’t enjoy visiting my grandma at the hospital. It was such an emotional place. My mom and my aunts were very sad, and watching them made me afraid that I was going to cry myself.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my grandma. On the contrary, I loved her dearly. I often thought that I loved her best in the world. If she left, there would be a lot of little things to miss, like birthday cards and out-of-the-blue phone calls just to see how I was doing. Most of all, I would miss the security that she gave me.

On the drives up to the hospital, I’d give myself a stern talking to. You are not going to cry. I’d try to think of happy thoughts, like amusement parks and summer vacation – not of my grandma who was dying in the hospital.

When I had to go to the hospital, I’d stand by Grandma’s bed, and we’d talk about normal everyday things. I’d act like everything was fine. And when it was time to go, I’d pick up Grandma’s hand, lean over and kiss her forehead and say, “I love you, Grandma.” But I wouldn’t cry. Often when I walked out the hospital doors, my throat ached from swallowing the huge lump that had formed there.

The last time I went to the hospital, all my cousins were there too. We were all goofing off in the waiting room when Aunt Connie came in and said, “We’re all going to say ‘good-bye’ to Grandma now.”

My cousin Stephanie and I went in to say good-bye together. Grandma was asleep, so we stood at the foot of her bed, waiting for her to wake up. She finally did, and she smiled.

“Look at my two big girls,” she said.

My little brother, Bruce, came running into the room at that moment. He went right up to the head of the bed and flung his arm around Grandma’s neck.

“Grandma, I don’t want you to die,” Bruce said. He began blubbering pitifully.

I felt embarrassed for Bruce. How humiliating to cry in front of everyone! I was proud of how well I was holding myself together, even though a small tear did manage to slip down my own cheek as Grandma hugged Bruce back.

If I had a chance to do everything over again, I would have laid my head on Grandma’s chest and cried my heart out in that hospital room. My façade of strength crumbled during the visitation and funeral, and I cried plenty without caring who saw me. I wish I could have shed a few of those tears when Grandma was still here to comfort me.