Our Sympathy

It’s been seven years since the death of my sister. Yet, it feels in many ways like it was yesterday. Time has a peculiar way of sneaking up on us. Even today, one of the most difficult issues in dealing with her death is talking to others about it.

My experience was by no means the most difficult situation a person has had to deal with, but the circumstances of my loss have given me valuable insight into the grieving process.

It was May 7, 1999. I was out with college friends and my girlfriend celebrating my completion of my Bachelors degree. Commencement ceremonies were scheduled for the next morning. In the middle of our friends’ band’s set, my dad called my pager and left the numbers 911. I was suspended in a mixed feeling of confusion and urgency. I called him back and learned that my sister Heather had been in an automobile collision and was being flown by MedEvac to the University Medical Center in Fresno, CA. I turned to my girlfriend, Jessi and told her what my father had said. We rushed to her truck and told our friends we had to go.

Immediately, there was a very surreal feeling to the entire situation. I found myself talking to myself, reassuring myself that everything was going to be alright. Jessi kept ringing in my ears messages of “emergency” and “helicopter,” fading in and out as my senses scrambled to understand the seriousness of the matter. The basic message I got from Jessi was “grave danger.”

When we arrived at the hospital, my senses continued to decline. Shock set in. I ran into the entrance. I was informed I had to go through a metal detector, a rather simple procedure which I do quite regularly. This evening, the simple request pushed a button in me. I broke into tears and shouts informing the woman of my situation and how my sister was in there. Her logical mind informed me that if she was in there it was likely I couldn’t do anything to help her. She told me that Heather was in the best possible care. She continued to inform me that if I would just calm down and go through the metal detector I can get into the building.

Although I consider myself a logical person, this had no bearing. It took the stern, but gentle guidance of my girlfriend to take me towards the metal detectors, assist me in emptying my pockets, and walk me through to the other side.

Shortly after arriving in the general waiting area, the rest of my close family and friends arrived. We were then escorted through the hospital up to the Intensive Care Unit and to a waiting room. We were met by a lovely woman who was a volunteer with the organization known as TIP (Trauma Intervention Program). She immediately took us into her care. She informed us of the current status of my sister, and told us that she would communicate between our family and the hospital staff. Anything that she could provide for us she would, she assured us.

Unfortunately many of the details of this experience are a blur. The ones that remain played a tremendous role in assisting me through my entire grieving process.

First, I was surrounded by family and loved ones. My parents and grandparents were all there. This was by no mistake. They had traveled to be with me and my family for my graduation. My aunt was there. So was our good friend. While waiting in limbo for some understanding of what Heather’s condition was, we passed the time trying to comfort and encourage one another. We recalled stories together. We cried together. We prayed together. It was the most emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting experience of my life. I kept hanging on to the hope that she would pull through.

I wanted to believe that God would make her well again, that she’d come out of it okay. Despite the knowledge I had of the injuries she had sustained, I wanted her to remain with us.

After hours of tears, laughter, prayers, and even a little sleep, I was awoken by the TIP counselor. She told me that my parents wanted to talk to me out in the lobby. I was still groggy with prayers on my lips and sleep in my eyes. I just barely remember being taken out to my parents holding one another in the hall. They looked at me. My mother called me to her. With tears streaming down her face, she told me that they had decided to tell the doctors to stop. They had done all they could do for her. We had to let her go.

After that, tears. Yelling. No, this isn’t happening! I recall an “I hate you for this!” To whom that was directed exactly, your guess is as good as mine. They walked me towards the door of the operating room. My mom wanted me to have the opportunity to see her.

As difficult as that was, what I saw has forever transformed my life. I saw something that resembled my sister, but had nothing of her spirit. I saw an operating room, a table, medical staff exhausted and grief stricken. I don’t think I completely realized it at the time, but this gave me a type of closure, something very important for one who is grieving.

I still had many stages in the grieving process to experience, but for the moment at least, I was experiencing a level of acceptance. It was still so immediate and surreal that I don’t think I comprehended what was happening. I knew that I was extremely sad, and that I felt extremely robbed. I understood, however, that what I saw on that operating table was not my sister. There was no life there, and she was full of life. This made things easier, somehow, and I managed to get the strength to make it to my apartment to lie down for about an hour. I woke up, showered, and got dressed for my graduation. When people ask me how I managed to attend a graduation in the midst of such an emotional time of my life, my response is “how could I not?” My choices were clear. I could admit total defeat and quit, or I could do what I knew my sister would want me to do and graduate.

For me, more than anything else, understanding that Heather was a spirit has been the most helpful thing in finding peace. That spirit was what I had come to know and love. I even admired her. I still do. As often as possible, I let the spirit move me and do things that she and I would have done: midnight runs to Taco Bell, dancing in front of a video camera, or eating graham crackers with chocolate frosting. I say things that I could imagine her saying. I was fortunate enough to receive some of her possessions. These things are all important for allowing her spirit to live on.

What can you do to best support a friend or family member who is dealing with a loss? The first response is the obvious: a card, some flowers, some meals… These are welcomed expressions of your concern and sympathy. They are thoughtful and, well, expected as traditional means of outreach to those in grief.

But, you say, I want to do “more.” I see a person hurting. I know that if I were going through the same thing, I would want… Now, fill in the blank.

The grieving process involves many stages that must be understood and taken into consideration in order to provide the most loving and healthy support. Depending on the specific situation and personality of the person suffering the loss, your support should vary greatly and might yield very different responses.

For instance, Helen has just lost her husband of thirty years. She is one of your best friends. You want to be there for her (and you should). However, your presence reminds her of all of the parties and double dates and family memories she experienced with her husband and your family. Give her grace if it exacerbates her sadness to be with you if your presence brings up these painful memories. There will be a day when she will need to reminisce with you. You can still offer regular, non-invasive, casual visits and phone calls to give her the opportunity to cry or talk or pray with you.

A woman from our church, Sally, lost one of her twin boys in a car accident. I had just given birth to twins, and was worried about bringing them to the calling hours. I was afraid it would be too painful for her to see my beautiful, thriving twin babies. On the contrary, she tearfully (and joyfully) shared stories about raising the boys. She pulled out pictures and cathartically relived their childhood. Later that week, the surviving twin told me how wonderful it was for his mother to see and hold the babies.

Since our intentions are well-meaning, and we want to “be there” for our loved ones who are hurting, how can we best support them?

• Be available
• Be flexible.
• Be persistent.
• Don’t take a negative reaction personally.

Offer your support again and again. If our loved ones need us, they will receive us. If our presence causes pain, we must be sensitive to this and wait. Remember that the five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first four stages are wrought with unpleasant emotions that may seem very unhealthy even though this is a healthy, normal and necessary process.

Remember that this sympathy you are offering is for them, not for you. Welcome the chance to make them feel good (being a shoulder to cry on, being a prayer partner, hugging and helping). But, also welcome the negative reactions as a sign that your friend is going through the necessary healing process. Grief does not last forever, and you will have truly been a friend to have been there through the good and the bad.

Everything was soaked as rain flew in from every direction. Seamen, their clothing plastered wet, grasped at the ropes that blew with the wind, slicing through the storm. Sails came loose and slapped any who ventured near to tie them down again. Curses and prayers in Swedish, Norwegian, Danish, and Irish brogue mixed with the screaming of the weather. In all the commotion, no one missed the deckhand as he lost his balance on the pitching bow and was thrown to the waves. He washed up on one of Dillingham’s beaches several days later.

That is probably what happened.

In Dillingham’s oldest cemetery, there is a plain wooden cross bearing a simple epitaph: “Nineteen-year-old Sailor from Sweden.” We don’t mark graves with carved stone because there is no local craftsperson with that ability. Instead, all our graves have carved wooden crosses with the identifying information painted black, stark as gravel against the foaming edge of a wave.

One of the beautiful things about the wooden cross markers is that they are all made in the same fashion. There is no competition in a Dillingham cemetery. To visit the cemetery is to see that in death, we are all equal. Peace is the final appointment under a cross that speaks not of failures or human accomplishments but of humanity. A wooden cross says only that a life existed and judges not what sort of life it was. The wooden cross shows that the dead beneath it belonged to our community and that we still hold them despite their absence.

The crosses also speak of hope because they are a symbol of what many in our community believe is offered the soul of man. In the sadness of a death, a local resident carves a symbol that states that death is not the end and that our separation from one another can be temporary. Because we live closely, we share our beliefs, our life experiences, and our remembrance at the end.

Since the crosses are simple painted wood, they weather and would eventually become indecipherable but for periodic maintenance by residents today. The marker of the nineteen-year-old Swedish sailor has been refinished with the same regularity as the local grandparents sleeping with him. Maintaining the crosses means that the community never forgets those who depart, and this stranger we buried receives the same honor. What we knew of him, we preserve and maintain, and keep him even though he was not born to us. We resurrect his cross with all the others, and we think of him. In death, he became part of our community and is marked as a life to honor.

She watches you as you walk down the hallway; depending on what you have accomplished throughout the day, her expression may be one of disapproval or satisfaction. The dignified image you pass by is strong, displaying accurate strokes of brown and white charcoal. My mother-in-law recently passed away and her sketched portrait hangs in the hallway of the house. It favors her so well that I often find myself speaking to it.

The loss of her life was one that shook the ground we all walked on. At the time, getting back to a life filled with normalcy seemed a goal far out of our reach. Some people choose to abandon the memory of a lost loved one because of the pain it causes those to think of someone who is no longer with us, but for others, embracing the past and incorporating it within everyday life is a healthy way to cope with the dearly departed.

The Christmas season that followed my mother-in-law’s passing allowed me to give an extremely moving and memorable gift to my husband and stepson. This was to be the first Christmas they would have without the warmth and comfort of their mother and grandmother. I wanted to give them something that would speak to only them and emphasize the bond they both shared.

At the time, I was experimenting with making T-shirts by scanning items onto the computer and printed them to iron-on transfers. I purchased a few white T-shirts and decided on the perfect subject for their shirts. As they left the house to run errands, I grabbed the ladder and lifted the rather heavy portrait from the wall. Positioning myself above the portrait, I took several photos of it with a digital camera. After returning the portrait, I went to the computer and resized the photos, then printed the finished product onto the iron-on transfers.

In the middle of the night, while everyone was asleep, I snuck into the kitchen to iron the transfers onto the T-shirts. This would be my first attempt at creating a T-shirt and I was meticulous in the way I lined up the transfers, hoping I was positioning them in the correct places for menswear. Examining the end results, I noticed something quite odd. In the portrait, my mother-in-law was wearing earrings. This was not the odd part. When I took the digital photo, a reflection from the flash hitting the glass made it look as if her earrings were sparkling. This was the only place that this detail showed up in the photo and it was completely unintentional. When they opened their gifts, it was quite emotional to see the look on their faces. When I saw the tears, as well as smiles, I knew I had done well.

Commercial fishing is the most hazardous job in the world. Those working in this field face myriad dangers to life, including drowning, machinery-related accidents, and hypothermia. Commercial fishers, and the communities in which they live, are well-acquainted with death. This co-existence with the end of life prompts commercial fishing communities to adopt rituals designed to understand the water and wring mercy from the force controlling it. Some communities place statues of mariners at the harbor channel to stand as sentries guarding the coming and going of the local fleet. Some erect likenesses of the Virgin Mary cradling fishing boats in place of the infant Jesus. Superstitions abound on any open-water vessel; rules apply to avert disaster like refraining from bringing certain fruits aboard as fruit seeks the earth and will drag a vessel down with it, or a refusal to leave port on a Friday, the unluckiest day of the week. In Dillingham, we hold an annual Blessing of the Fleet to seek protection and guardianship for our local salmon fishing fleet and to honor those who have lost their lives in the dangerous way we choose to make a living.

The Blessing of the Fleet is held in May or June, late enough to make fishing the foremost thought of town residents and early enough to seek blessing before many fishers have launched their 32 foot-long Bristol Bay commercial salmon vessels. The Blessing of the Fleet ceremony is multi-denominational and includes the participation of all religious leaders in town from the Moravian Church pastor to the Catholic and Russian Orthodox priests. In this, all town residents are represented.

The first part of the Blessing of the Fleet is comprised of the singing of hymns, recitation of Bible verses are recited, and lifting of prayers for a good season and the safe return of our people. We give thanks for the life we are given and seek for it to continue amid the dangers we face through our fishing lifestyles.

The second part of the ceremony features the reading of the names belonging to those lost to the water and the ringing of a ship’s bell to commemorate each one. For some of the names on the list, this is the only remembrance as the sea does not always return the bodies she claims. During the reading of the names and ringing of the bell, all of Bristol Bay is a cemetery. Some shed tears at the loss of their loved ones and for lack of any physical place to grieve. Some listen to the reading of the names with trepidation for if a family name is not already on the list, it means the family still owes a life-debt. Most, however, listen solemnly to honor the lost.

The last part of the Blessing of the Fleet ceremony requires that a wreath be placed on the water in the name of the dead and for the hope of the living. In this action, the ceremony is closed in the attitude our community takes toward the end of life: we mourn, we accept, we seek strength, and then we simply continue to live according to our ways and traditions.

One of the most difficult tasks in life is holding a funeral or memorial service for a loved one. Unfortunately, they are inevitable. Yet, many of us never talk about how we want to be memorialized. Let’s face it: death is a difficult and emotional subject. There are so many uncertainties about it that we allow ourselves to avoid the discussion. When tragedy strikes, the experience can be so much more overwhelming, especially if the loved one is younger. Here are so helpful ideas to make the experience less stressful and more healing.

If you feel up to it, take full charge of the event yourself. Many families who do this, report that this choice is very healing. If you feel too overwhelmed enlist the help of some close friends. This will help them in their grieving process as well. Allow family members and friends to use their talents.

Many services with which I have been involved have been celebrations of life. Friends and families share their stories and memories to the group. These words will fill the hearts of the attendees and remain with them much more than the words of an unfamiliar minister or funeral official. Humorous stories almost always find their way into the service. This is how we want to remember those who we love. We want to feel joy and happiness about their lives. We want to hear how they touched the lives of others. There is something comforting about hearing an entertaining anecdote and being able to chuckle, “That’s Uncle Ted.” Sure, we’re sad. We will miss their presence in our lives, but creating these memories allows us to feel their presence in our lives always.

Create a collage. Find posters, movies, ticket stubs, photographs, artwork, anything and everything personal to your loved one. Many families find it healing to get the whole family together and put together a photo album. Other families use computer software and create photo or video shows. These can even be easily transferred to DVD or video tape and shared with others. Or they can be put up onto personal web pages. A couple of popular places to memorialize loved ones are AOL and Myspace.com.

Along with a collage, families often find it comforting to share personal artwork or writing. You can even create a soundtrack of your loved one’s life. Finding one’s favorite music and putting together a personal album can get very involved. This, again, offers an opportunity for people to use their creativity. All of these things can be easily reproduced and distributed.

A lot of people are going to offer you their help. They want to do their part in helping memorialize someone who has touched their lives. A gift you can give those people is set up a memorial fund or scholarship. Donate it to a cause that was meaningful to your loved one. There are many organizations that serve the community through donations. This is a great way to allow the spirit of your loved one to live on and touch more lives. It doesn’t place a great burden on any one individual, and it becomes a big gift.

Another type of project with which I have personally been involved is a service project. Maybe your loved one was an animal lover. You can get a group to volunteer with a local animal shelter or zoo. Hospitals, shelters, missions, blood banks, and many other organizations thrive on the voluntary support of community members.

A few final notes: you are under no obligation to hold services immediately after your loss. Many people report that they feel like they have to rush right into funeral services. This is not true. The memorial service is for you and your friends. You are going to feel such an array of emotions. Some days will be better than others. Let the activities leading up to the actual service be an opportunity to experience some healing. Also, make the service meaningful for you. Any old minister or funeral director can go through the pomp and circumstance of a funeral service. Only those truly closest to you and your family can make it a meaningful experience.

According to most research we all know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. It can be one of the most awkward situations in which both the grieving and the friend of the grieving find themselves. Of course I’m referring to talking about it. Nearly all of us have found ourselves standing beside someone, wanting to say something, anything. Just what do you say? The answer really is dependent upon your relationship with the grieving individual.

If you are truly a friend, then it should be easy to know what to say. You would hope, right? Well, that isn’t always the case. My sister died in 1999. Her death was the result of a hit and run automobile collision. The collision happened the evening before my university graduation. This was also Mother’s Day weekend.

Obviously this event was quite a blow to our family. There were many people who were extremely warm and consoling. They truly ministered to our family’s emotional and physical needs. The phone rang off the hook. The community really came forward to let us know that they cared.

Despite their concern, some were extremely insensitive. Many simply made the mistake that their beliefs about life and death, god or salvation, took precedent over our emotional needs. I’ll never forget all of the phone calls I received from friends, or the conversations I had face-to-face where almost the first thing I was asked was, “Jeremy, did she know the Lord?” Now, I know that they were truly concerned, but this was not helpful. Whether she knew the Lord or not is not exactly comforting. If I knew the answer was yes, then they could be comforted. If the answer was no, then there was nothing they could do about it. This just left me hurting, and feeling like they weren’t really concerned with how I was doing.

One of the most common mistakes people make in situations of grief is they assume that others are going to deal with the circumstances as they believe they would. Another example I have is from a similar situation. A young woman attending the local community college drove her car off of a country road and into a telephone pole. No one knew what truly had happened. At the funeral, the father of the young girl was extremely upset. His daughter was 19 years old. He told me in confidence that if another person came up to him and told him that his daughter was in a better place he might lose it and punch them out. I listened to him. I assured him that he was perfectly correct to believe that anyone who told him that was wrong. A nineteen-year old daughter belongs with her family. A family who has been robbed of a future that they envisioned with their daughter does not deserve to be robbed of their beliefs as well.

Sensitivity dictates that a person trying to console another who is grieving should not so much as talk but listen. Or if one is inclined to speak, share memories of the deceased. Tell stories of personal interactions to which they were not privy. Listen to them. Ask them how they feel. Don’t tell them how to feel. Usually, our efforts to help don’t.

When the time of the loss is close to the time of your interaction, it’s actually more comforting to simply offer condolences. Tell them you’re sorry. Offer them help. If you’re not sure what to do, talk with someone who is closer to the family.

If the time of the loss is much further from your interaction, ask them how they’re dealing with things. Usually, just offering opportunities to talk about it is the most helpful thing you can do. Grief can be a very confusing, depressing, frustrating, and overwhelming experience. It will hit each of us differently. The most helpful thing we can do for one another is be supportive. Life goes on, but it can be hard for the grieving to move in that direction. Call them. Visit them often. Get them out. Help them find ways to express their feelings, but also diver their attention to the world around them. With your patience, compassion, and understanding, they will find peace.

My father is not a mortician, a cemetery attendant, nor a gravedigger by trade, but he has prepared the resting places of friends and family nonetheless. It is the way of men in rural Alaskan communities where there is no funeral industry, and where volunteers complete the preparations for a funeral.

The first step in rural Alaska’s gravedigging is to find a location. There aren’t really any family plots in Dillingham, our small community in southwestern Alaska. We group graves by family when we can, but often there isn’t room in our tiny old cemeteries. Since there is no funeral director to plan the whole thing, graves are not dug in neat rows. Instead, Dillingham’s cemeteries feature graves that are diagonal to each other, cradled in the roots of ancient trees, or stepping down a hill slope to the beach. When someone passes on, men step up to dig the grave in whatever location the family of the deceased has selected. On the day a gravedigging begins, there may be five to ten battered pick-up trucks parked alongside the gravel roads leading to our cemeteries.

Gravedigging takes a team. A backhoe is used if the men can get it to the gravesite without disturbing the rest of any cemetery residents, but often the work is done with shovels and buckets. The grave is measured out, and then the men start digging. Because the work is physically difficult, the diggers take turns in the hole, digging until they tire or until the mosquitoes become more than they can bear. Then, they exchange places with a man above and take their break drinking coffee and discussing commercial fishing, the lifeblood of the region. In the winter, the ground must be painstakingly chipped away as southwestern Alaska’s clawing winds tear at clothing and exposed skin, making the grave the best place to be.

Three years ago, my father helped dig the grave for his closest brother. Rather than being a task too emotionally hard for him, my father took comfort in the opportunity to go before his younger brother and ensure that the final resting place would not be a home built by strangers, but by familiar hands and soaked with the voices of family. No one is left completely alone in the grave.

Because ours is a community of fishermen accustomed to a physical lifestyle, the work it takes to dig a grave for a close friend or loved one mediates distance from death. Gravedigging allows motion, the most obvious sign of life, to meet death and creates a moment where physical labor, the regular routine of our lives, touches death and colors it with normalcy. There is no clearer expression that death is a part of life than men who lend their backs and garden shovels to prepare a place of rest.

Alaska’s state nickname is “The Last Frontier.” Covering nearly 587,000 square miles and possessing nearly forty percent of the coastline in the United States, the state has a wide variety of geographic features including mountains, forests, seas, lakes, rivers, and tundra flats. Many Alaskans take advantage of the state’s geography as part of their lifestyles and engage in adventurous living professionally or as leisure activities and find that the outdoor experiences Alaska offers enrich life and create memories. Unfortunately, Alaska’s environment is harsh, and people die pursuing outdoor activities.

One sad aspect of an outdoor death is that sometimes a body is never recovered. Cold water doesn’t always release the dead, and a deep ravine may hide the victim of a fall. If recovering remains presents too great a risk, rescuers may choose not to endanger additional life. Since viewing the body of a loved one is often an important step in the grieving process, it is sometimes hard for bereaved friends and family members to accept the reality of death when the body of a missing person is never recovered.

Sometimes, the remains of a victim are not suitable for an open casket viewing. The manner of an outdoor death can be extremely violent in nature, causing injury beyond what is appropriate for mourners to view. It is possible for the bereaved to experience the same difficulty in moving past the denial stage of grief since they, like those suffering a loved one who never returns, do not see a body-absolute proof that death has occurred.

In a situation where those who grieve cannot view the body of their loved ones, sometimes they use items to represent the form of their loved one. These substitutions can bring great comfort to mourners.

In choosing items to represent the deceased, Alaskans often make choices that speak to the experiences that make up life in The Last Frontier. Hunting and fishing are common activities for a victim of an outdoor death, so pictures of memorable successes or favorite outdoor clothing are logical choices. Living in the biggest state in the union also means that Alaskans often own boats, snowmobiles, airplanes and other unique modes of transportation, so small pieces of these vehicles sometimes represent a deceased pilot, fisherman, or winter traveler.

Alaska is also the home state of many talented artists and craftspeople, so works of art may stand in for human remains. Beaded angels, stained glass likenesses of scenery, or woven grass baskets are all choices to represent a creative and adventurous personality. Sometimes, a family will commission or purchase a work of art for their home so that their loved one will remain part of their daily lives.

Sometimes, a life in The Last Frontier ends as a symbol.

For those who believe in burial as opposed to cremation, they feel that this ritual demonstrates respect for the human body. They also believe that the body should be allowed to decay by a normal process instead of the hastening which occurs during cremation.

It is also believed that since we are no longer allowed to burn leaves which pollute our environment with fossil fuels, that the burning of bodies releases a number of pollutants into our atmosphere. These include carbon dioxide, nitrogen oxide, sulfur dioxide and hydrogen chloride.

Some cultures have wakes for the departed whereby family and friends come together to pay their last respects. Traditional Irish wakes are occasions for food, drink and music where grief for the passing of the deceased is mixed with a hearty send-off to the next world.

The ritual of burial is an opportunity for family and friends to say a last goodbye to their loved one. After the funeral, they will then often gather at the home of a family member where food and drink is served. This provides a further opportunity for the sharing of grief and mutual consolation of the bereaved.

Having a place to go to visit the departed provides solace to many loved ones. A burial site provides a tangible link to the deceased. Some cultures have a specific day when the families go to the grave sites, picnic and clean the family burial plot.

In Mexico, the Day of the Dead is a national holiday celebrated on November 1 and 2. Family reunions are held in cemeteries while coats of paint and structural repairs are made to grave sites. Fresh flowers, candles, candy, food and drink are put on the graves as gifts to the deceased where a party atmosphere prevails. Some families even hire mariachi bands.

The practice of cremation dates back to the Pre-Canaanites who used it until about 2,500 BC. It was not practiced by the Egyptians, Jews, Phoenicians or Carthaginians. The Greeks and Romans based their practices according to the way they viewed the after life. Those who believed in a life after death buried their dead with food, pets and even servants to smooth the transition from one form of existence to another. Others who believed that the body decays practiced cremation so that the deceased would have a speedy trip to the afterlife.

At this time, cremation is not allowed by the Orthodox Jews, the Islamic religion, Eastern Orthodox religion and some Fundamental Christian sects.

What cremation is: the body of the deceased is reduced to fragments of bone thru temperatures ranging from 1,500 F to 2,000 F degrees. The actual cremation process takes from two to three hours with the time depending upon the weight of the individual.

There are various services that specialize in scattering the ashes of the deceased. One of these services will scatter the remains amidst a special fireworks display. If the family wishes to engage a luxury Coast Guard certified yacht and Captain that will allow up to 6 loved ones, the fees are FROM $3,500 to scatter the ashes at sea.

Another service will scatter the ashes in the High Sierras. Their fee includes all documentation of the ritual, pictures of the remains and filing all necessary local governmental forms for the sum of $225.00.

In summation, cremation vs. burial is based upon culture as well as upon the attitudes of the individuals responsible for making the final decision for interring their loved one if no specific instructions were provided in a Will.

When a loved one who was a member of the United States military forces dies, the family will sometimes wish to arrange a burial with military honors. There are one hundred national cemeteries in the United States. However, not every state has a national cemetery. The main and most well-known military cemetery is Arlington National Cemetery which is located in Washington, D.C. and administered by the Army.

The following are eligible for Military Funeral Honors:

• Members of the military who were on active duty or a member of the Selected Reserve at the time of death.
• Former members of the United States Military who were on active duty and left the Service under any conditions other than a dishonorable discharge.
• Former members of the US Military who completed at least one term of active duty or period of Selected Reserve duty obligation and left under conditions other than dishonorable.
• Former members of the Selected Reserve who were discharged due to disability incurred in the line of duty or a disability which was aggravated in the line of duty.

As of September 11, 2001, the VA (Department of Veterans Affairs) will provide a headstone or grave marker at no charge for the grave of any deceased veteran considered eligible - regardless of anywhere in the world the cemetery is located. The officials at veterans’ cemeteries will order such inscriptions as requested by the next of kin of the deceased.

Current law requires that any eligible veteran may be buried with Military Funeral Honors when requested by the family. An honor guard will be provided with a minimum of two members of the Armed Forces. One member of the honor guard will be from the branch of the military in which the deceased veteran served.

A United States flag will be provided at no cost by the VA to the family of the deceased. The flag is used to drape the coffin of a veteran who is eligible for Military Funeral Honors. The basic aspects of the ceremony include folding of the flag, presentation of the flag to the next of kin, usually by a military chaplain. The funeral ceremony is customarily ended by the playing of Taps either by a bugler or by electronic recording - since nowadays, buglers are rarely available.

The custom of playing Taps began in the United States in 1862 during the Civil War. It was written by Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield to replace the earlier “Tattoo” (lights out) which the General thought was inappropriate for a military funeral.

Draping the casket with the national flag is a custom which began during the Napoleonic Wars (1796-1815). At that time, dead soldiers were covered with a flag and removed from the field of battle on a caisson (two wheeled vehicle used to hold artillery ammunition attached to a horse-drawn wagon). A United States flag is not placed in the grave and is not allowed to touch the ground at any time.

Jewish law and tradition have specific requirements for funeral and mourning practices and attach great religious significance to this rite. As soon as a loved one dies, a family member should contact a Rabbi who will assist in the funeral and burial arrangements. Preplanning is highly recommended so that arrangements for a funeral plot have already been made.

Jewish tradition states that the human body is holy, even after death, and retains its sanctity. Consequently, the body should be treated with respect and dignity. Funerals are arranged as simply as possible since the deceased must be buried within twenty-four hours. The only exceptions allowed are if a close family member lives far enough away so that he or she cannot arrive within the proscribed time, if there are legal reasons to delay burial or to avoid burial on Shabbat or other Jewish holy days.

There is no need to spend time shopping for an appropriate casket as the deceased must be buried in a simple pine coffin. The reason for this is so that the body is allowed to return to the earth thru a natural process. Any show of ostentation must be avoided. Dress and deportment of the mourners should reflect the solemness of the occasion.

Flowers and music are considered inappropriate. If family or friends wish to make a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased, this is an acceptable practice. Traditionally, after the funeral, mourners gather at the home of a close family member where food and drink is made available to visitors.

From the moment of death, the deceased is not left alone until after burial. Jewish tradition requires that someone close to the deceased remain with the body until that time. This individual will recite Psalms during the watch. This custom is used to honor the dead.

Jewish tradition does not routinely allow autopsies. If an autopsy is recommended, the family can refuse to grant permission. If required by law, a Rabbi must attend and supervise. Embalming of the body is strictly forbidden unless required by civil law. Cosmetics are not to be used on the deceased.

Organ donation is permissible as it is considered an act of charity. The Rabbi should be consulted in this regard.

Jewish funeral services are traditionally simple and brief and may be held in any one of three locations: at the synagogue, at the funeral home or at the gravesite. Family and friends of the deceased follow the casket as a sign of respect as it is being carried to the gravesite. Family members and close friends drop a handful of earth on the coffin after it is placed in the ground.

After the funeral, the customary period of mourning is called sitting shivah. This tradition is usually followed for a period of seven days. Close relatives of the deceased observe this time of morning in the home of a family member. Visits of respect are paid to the family during this time. Flowers are not given but food is customarily brought so that the family does not have to be concerned with cooking. This period of time allows the family to be removed from daily activities and work thru their grief and loss of their loved one.

Everyone knows they are going to die sooner or later. While we all hope it is “later”, we should put our affairs in order for the benefit of our loved ones. Great comfort can be achieved by knowing that advance planning for the inevitable will have eased the trauma of your passing for your family.

All too often, when a family member dies, relatives have no idea where the deceased’s important papers are located. As a result, this creates an additional burden on the grieving loved ones. By putting our affairs in order, we can simplify the necessary responsibilities our family members will be required to handle.

The most important considerations to be addressed for this time are as follows:

• Create a will: Conference with your attorney to draft a list of your final wishes, i.e. burial preferences, asset allocations, etc.
• Create a living will: This instrument will appoint someone of your choice to make decisions regarding life-sustaining medical care in the event of your incapacitation.
• Durable power of attorney: This is given by you to a person of your choice to make medical decisions on your behalf if you are unable to communicate.

Recently, there was a case where a woman had been in a coma for twenty years. She was, of course, unable to communicate. Her husband wanted her to be removed from life support; her parents disagreed and this battle went to the courts. The United States Government even got into the fray. Eventually, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the husband and the woman was allowed to die. This case brought to the general public the importance of having a living will and power of attorney stating your wishes when you are unable to do so.

• Finances: Debts: This information should be located in a place known to your beneficiaries. List whatever debts your spouse or estate may be responsible for after your death such as property tax, liens, etc.
• Finances: Assets: List all assets for your beneficiaries, such as:

- Life insurance policy or policies
- Pensions
- Ira, Keogh, etc.
- Social Security benefits
- Medical insurance coverage
- Veterans benefits
- Checking and bank accounts
- Certificates of Deposit
- Stocks and bonds
- Real estate holdings
- Miscellaneous investments

Be sure to list any and all assets not covered by the above - including documented personal loans to friends or business associates.

• Applicable personal documents:

- Birth certificate
- Passport
- Social Security information
- Divorce decree
- Military discharge papers
- Naturalization papers
- Adoption papers
- Income tax retFuneral Options for past seven years

• Miscellaneous insurance coverage documents:

- Automobile
- Property
- Accident
- Hospitalization

Information should also be available regarding friends, business associates, organization memberships, financial planner, insurance agents and attorney or attorneys.

• Credit cards:

- Account numbers
- Contact information

Your loved ones should be advised of the location of these documents so they can be readily accessed after your death.

Life just doesn’t seem fair sometimes. It feels like bad things happen to good people, and we get in the habit of believing that we don’t deserve the blessings we desire in our hearts. No matter what the loss, we always feel like it was too soon. We have so many things we wanted to do, we looked forward to experiencing. Our hopes are crushed. Imagine now your hopes were for a child, a new life that you desired to nurture and raise. You were all prepared. You had all the toys, the changing tables, the bedding, and most of all the willingness to endure nine exhausting months, labor, and a lifetime of responsibility. It is this willingness that makes women my heroes.

Good news, you’re pregnant. Congratulations! Your heart is filled with joy beyond expression. You begin to plan: baby names, spreading the word, buying clothes. The excitement is so exhilarating. Then, just weeks into the pregnancy there is a problem. You have had a miscarriage.

Maybe this experience is all too familiar. Maybe it is your story, or that of a loved one. The reality is that it happens. For some, it happens more than once. You’re filled with so many questions. Why would God put such a great desire within me for a child if it wasn’t meant to be? It is so unfair. Why is it so hard for me to have a child and so easy for so many people who don’t even appear to want children? It hurts to see this.

You begin to think, “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?” It is almost too emotional to talk about. No matter how sympathetic your significant other tries to be it just doesn’t take away the pain. So many of your girlfriends have become pregnant or had babies. They’ve shared with you all their joyous moments of feeling the baby move. They’ve talked about how much they love it. Jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, creep into your mind.

You begin to project these negative feelings about yourself towards others. Tension arises, especially between you and your husband. You worry about him blaming you, worry that he’ll leave you for someone who can bear his children.

Experiencing a loss of this type can be one of the greatest tests of a relationship. There are so many positive things in your life. It is easy to allow the stress and sadness to become overwhelming and to direct your attention towards the negative things. Know that you are not alone. If you have a hard time believing that, talk to your obstetrician. Understand that a pregnancy is a very overwhelming thing for both a father and mother. Husbands too are under a great deal of pressure. They can often feel left out because they don’t know what’s going on with you and the baby. They are so powerless. They pressure themselves with the worries of caring for and providing for you and the child.

Talk about how you are feeling. Express your disappointment and sadness. Encourage one another. Focus on enjoying life together. Let this be an opportunity to grow in your faith in one another and your ability to communicate. There are things in life we will not be able to control. We must constantly learn to let go of those things and to focus on where we do have control. Take care of you.

When people think of a disaster worker, they usually think of a brave firefighter like one of the many who ushered people in the World Trade Center to safety during 9-11.  But there are many examples of survival workers, and one not-so-obvious example is a funeral director. 

The Definition

A ‘disaster’ is defined as “a calamity; a great or sudden misfortune.” The United States government qualifies something as a disaster when it is a catastrophic accident in which more than four people are killed. But the most important factor is how society reacts to the event.  A true disaster gets a response from the whole community.  Not only that, disastrous events require assistance from other social units outside the one directly involved. 

Disaster Jobs for a Funeral Director

Because funeral directors know so much about the care of the dead already, they can help out in a multi-death disaster in an important capacity.  Assigned tasks by the coroner, funeral directors and other professionals such as policemen, firemen, paramedics, and members of the National Guard can work on the rescue team together. 

Search and Recovery

The dead human remains must be found as soon as possible.  If the disaster was a flood or plane crash over a body of water, the bodies that are in the water must be recovered immediately before they decompose.

Identification

The person in charge of identification must preserve all the evidence surrounding the remains.  Identity of a corpse can be found by looking at fingerprints.  Medical professionals are sometimes needed.

In Charge of Personal Effects

The importance of keeping track of personal effects cannot be underestimated, because personal effects found on a body can lead to the body’s identification. 

Transport

A funeral director, or other rescue individual, can be given the job of transporting recovered bodies to the morgue site.  They should be carried to the transportation vehicle by a stretcher, with the body covered by a sheet.  It should be done discreetly.  The vehicle should be driven to the morgue site at a moderate pace.

Help to Set Up a Morgue

A temporary morgue is needed to accommodate many dead bodies.  Airline hangers and schools are often good for such a morgue. 

If ordered by the coroner, the funeral director will embalm the body, and afterward the identified bodies could be released to the funeral home of their family’s choice, or if unidentified, the bodies could be buried. 

Care for the Living

Jobs involving a disaster do not only pertain to the recovery and disposition of the dead, but to giving support to the survivors and the families of the victims.  They can be assisted by being given food, telephone access, information, counseling, and most of all, privacy from the media and curiosity seekers.  A whole center can be created for this purpose. 
 

Disasters can bring out the good in people, and people usually help each other.  Ironically, Winston Churchill described the time that England was bombed during World War II as “England’s finest hour.” After a disaster strikes, neighborhoods can be in total chaos, but with the help of a highly organized, cooperative rescue team, the community can begin the road to recovery.

By Ann Rowe

I was sixteen, and I didn’t enjoy visiting my grandma at the hospital. It was such an emotional place. My mom and my aunts were very sad, and watching them made me afraid that I was going to cry myself.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my grandma. On the contrary, I loved her dearly. I often thought that I loved her best in the world. If she left, there would be a lot of little things to miss, like birthday cards and out-of-the-blue phone calls just to see how I was doing. Most of all, I would miss the security that she gave me.

On the drives up to the hospital, I’d give myself a stern talking to. You are not going to cry. I’d try to think of happy thoughts, like amusement parks and summer vacation – not of my grandma who was dying in the hospital.

When I had to go to the hospital, I’d stand by Grandma’s bed, and we’d talk about normal everyday things. I’d act like everything was fine. And when it was time to go, I’d pick up Grandma’s hand, lean over and kiss her forehead and say, “I love you, Grandma.” But I wouldn’t cry. Often when I walked out the hospital doors, my throat ached from swallowing the huge lump that had formed there.

The last time I went to the hospital, all my cousins were there too. We were all goofing off in the waiting room when Aunt Connie came in and said, “We’re all going to say ‘good-bye’ to Grandma now.”

My cousin Stephanie and I went in to say good-bye together. Grandma was asleep, so we stood at the foot of her bed, waiting for her to wake up. She finally did, and she smiled.

“Look at my two big girls,” she said.

My little brother, Bruce, came running into the room at that moment. He went right up to the head of the bed and flung his arm around Grandma’s neck.

“Grandma, I don’t want you to die,” Bruce said. He began blubbering pitifully.

I felt embarrassed for Bruce. How humiliating to cry in front of everyone! I was proud of how well I was holding myself together, even though a small tear did manage to slip down my own cheek as Grandma hugged Bruce back.

If I had a chance to do everything over again, I would have laid my head on Grandma’s chest and cried my heart out in that hospital room. My façade of strength crumbled during the visitation and funeral, and I cried plenty without caring who saw me. I wish I could have shed a few of those tears when Grandma was still here to comfort me.